Archive for the 'Innerpower' Category

the dam at otter creek

April 9, 2006

When all that’s left to do

is reflect on what’s been done

this where sadness breathes

the sadness of everyone.

– Live

Everything that I am is inside and it never flows out of me. My body is my personal dam, blocking up everything that is in my mind. All my thoughts, emotions, depression, pain, worry, disgust. Any attempt I make to search for a hole that will allow the dam to burst, gets plugged up quickly by the busy beaver living inside of me. The closer I get to deconstructing this dam, looking at what makes it up and why it’s so strong, the more stuff gets piled on for me to decipher. The dam is a complicated construction, adding more silt to an already muddy water behind its banks.

The dam keeps me out of touch of all the pure water- so close, yet so far. The beaver fends away all the fish and animals wishing to break through the dam to get at the water behind it, pushing them away with rudeness and weakness. It doesn’t want to allow others into the protective waters again.

Not like last time.

The pains of the past should stay in the past, not to be resurrected and reappear in a different form. The last time the dam was breached from the outside, it was devestating and destroyed everything the beaver had a hand in constructing. The dam was built again, quickly, reinforced to help clean up the mess left behind in the pool of water.

The water was never cleaned in the time since. It remains full of life, hiding in the shadows and under the logs that now pollute its water. There is a darkness in the water now, ruling over all that lies beneath it. Sunlight hits its waters only to reflect away; never to penetrate it. The goodness at the bottom of this pool becomes more and more lost as time passes. The beaver is more content to keep repairing the dam then to spend the time searching through the muck to find that lost goodness.

It’s too damaging to search for it; too convenient to remain outside of that pool and make a mockery of it by destroying it further by protecting it. Is the beaver aware of the destruction it causes by building the dam? Doubtful. It’s too busy building to pay attention to the other side. And why is the beaver so busy building? Because it believes the otherside will fix itself naturally. There is no work involved in cleaning up a gutter. The winds of change will blow across it and all will be good.

What the beaver doesn’t realize is that the longer he keeps building up the dam, the more likely he’ll have nothing to protect. The muck will be too deep, the goodness gone forever. And when that happens, the dam gets broken apart and the waters of the world will swallow up the muck. It will consume it. No resemblence to the original pool of water will remain. It will disappear in time.

There is another beaver, however, working quietly and in secret in the water. Steadily cleaning up the water, even while it becomes more dirty from the other’s work. It is a race to keep ahead of the builder beaver, and eventually will overtake it to purify the water. This beaver is injured by what it finds in the water, though, and wants to give up.

But it persists. Like we all must. Or we die in the waters of the world.

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God

April 4, 2006

[The following post may offend. You have been warned.]

If God does exist, it sure has a strange way of showing itself in our world.

10,000 years of modern human history (supposedly), and it was only after, I don’t know, 5,000-7,000 years before we find evidence of one true God, God’s people the Jews of the Middle East. Then 8,000 years into our modern history, we have this figure named Jesus show up. 2,000 years later, anyone who claims to have spoken to God is claimed to be an idiot by the majority (ie the founder of the Mormon faith, or David Koresh from Waco, TX if you remember that). Our world is spiralling out of control, all in the name of religion one way or another (Protestants vs Catholics, Christianity vs Islam), and every powerful person on Earth claims to know what to do and has the right answer.

I’ll forget about all the non-Christian countries to keep things simple for now.

Leadership is a neccessity in our lives. If there was no one in control of a situation, we’d kill eachother and wipe ourselves off the planet. Leadership is a natural thing in our world (Queen bees/ants, alpha males in chimpanzees and wolves), and it’s something to be embraced and not shamed. There can be good leaders, and there must have been some good leaders in the past because colonies in early North America survived, civilizations like the Mayans and Egyptians flourished. The problem with our current leaders is that they use religion as a bargaining chip, as a way of manipulating everyone no matter what religion they are. Religion and leadership aren’t wrong, but when combined they are. It’s why Thomas Jefferson spoke about the separation of church and state. He recognized that religion is deeply personal. If a leader came along and reached into those collective personal issues, they’d be the most powerful beings on the planet. But leadership is more than power, it’s something much more spiritual and is the essence of Christianity.

It may be strange to think of it that way. If a leader is the manifestation of Christianity, shouldn’t they be allowed to use Christian values for their advantage? The simple answer is no.

Taking advantage of a situation does not seem to be the Judeo-Christian way, except in the form of sacrifice. It is never meant to leverage their personal selves above another group. They are meant to live humble lives, good lives, but never gloating. Think of the citizens of Masada when they were surrounded by the Romans. A lot of people would say that they killed themselves because they were in poor condition to continue fighting the Romans and the mass suicide was a last option for them. Their leaders must have looked at the situation and realized that their position was of one of strength, not weakness. To be slaughtered by the Romans, they would go down in history like all other people murdered by Romans or the Khans or Vikings. Instead they turned the situation into an advantage to display to the Romans the power of their faith in their people and God. To take their lives meant they controlled their path to God, they met God on their terms, not Rome’s. And now they are remembered for their courage of undertaking such an act, just like Jesus’ crucification. They gave up their lives as a demonstration of how powerful God was within them, not because they were giving up.

That’s why people dislike the concept of suicide so much, but why a fireman going into a burning building knowing that he’s likely to do is considered a hero to people of faith. They all know that those people were going into those buildings living the ultimate Christian ideal: giving yourself for someone less fortunate than you. Courage is just another way of saying you believe in God and you’re willing to do anything. Suicide is not a courageous act because you’re taking advantage of a situation to bring it back to yourself. It is a selfless act, because you’re saying your life is more valuable dead than alive.

Christianity is about life, however, not death. When preachers talk of Heaven, it is to calm us all and instill in us some courage to keep fighting through our lives. If Heaven was the solution to all our problems (disease free, all youthful, and so on), they someone long ago would have convinced his people that if we don’t kill ourselves now we will never make it to Heaven, that the Devil may capture our hearts. There are many examples of Christians living good lives in the Bible, and throughout history, so I don’t need to go too into depth about this concept. I will summarize it up in one neat package, though: if Christians are to aid those in need, how are you to help them if you’re dead?

Since the time of Jesus, however, this Christian ideal has been corrupted many times over. I’m pretty certain that if Jesus came back now and saw how people thought of him, abused his name, he’d most likely kill us all- okay, probably not, but he would be pretty upset. And all the blame can be pointed back at his Apostles and how they wrote about him. They glamourized his life to the point of making him an equal of God. If he was the son of God, and had the answers for the world, he would have told people upfront and not have worked away as a carpenter for as long as he did. Why didn’t he commit daily miracles as a teenager? Why didn’t he bring the words of God with him to earth, or write them down himself like Mohammed did? It’s questions like those that make me think Jesus was a good man, probably one of the greatest men to walk the earth, but he deserves respect, not the pornography of Christianity.

What I mean is why do Christians stress so much importance on having days to worship his birth, his death, his resurrection, use communion throughout the year, and say things like “Jesus loves us” or “Thank you, Jesus Christ.”? Shouldn’t we be more focused on daily Bible study or study groups or connecting with eachother to share our ideas of God and work together to heal our communities? Why do we make weekly financial offerings, but think it’s okay not to give spiritual offerings of service to Salvation Army or physical offerings of blood to the Red Cross or food for the Food Bank?

People have misused Jesus’s name in such a way to leverage their own power position, or they use it so frequently like he’s their best friend when in truth, they’ve never had contact with him, and probably don’t even study the Bible as often as Jesus would like them to. And this all ties back to how I started: leadership.

We are allowing ourselves to be dictated to, told how to believe, how to read our Bibles, how we should display our faith openly, and what priorities should be. But if Christians are meant to aid others in need, how does telling us what to do help us? Shouldn’t we be giving people the tools to discover and create their own faiths, while offering support to help them keep their thoughts and beliefs pure and not corrupted by all the other portrayals around us or show them the improper ways of using your faith in your daily life? Leaders are meant to guide us in the right direction, tell us what our end goals should be, be there when we need them, and listen to us when we have questions. Leaders are the shepherds who tend the flocks, but they lead in a way to instill the courage in ourselves to pursue the good and right life, whenever we can.

When we pray, we are not connecting with a higher being; we are connecting with the inner spirit. We are searching for the spirit to build up our courage and to tackle the problems in our lives. The spirit within us all is the confidence we need to take the next step, to progress. The spirit is our love for humankind, for animals, for our planet. When we fall in love, we recognize another’s spirit is as strong as our own, and you marry to make sure you both remain strong and to pass along your faith to your children.

We can explain the existence of other religions in this way, as well. They all connect with their own spirits in their own ways- prayer is universal, love is universal, hate is universal. Something must exist within us that explains all of that, but we all have different ways of interpreting it and understanding it. We all share that knowledge differently. The spirit is universal.

God does exist; but God does not exist in the way we humans have imagined it for thousands of years.

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Life as I know it

March 15, 2006

“Get a job. You won’t be as lonely.”

I love how unsupportive people are sometimes, and so misinformed or assume the wrong thing.

Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t been working for nearly six weeks now after being turfed out from my old position. Instead, I’ve put a real emphasis on me for the first time in my life. I’ve dabbled with exploring who I was in the past (picking up books that may be helpful, reading websites, talking with people) but never before have I really made it a priority. Something was always first. Work, University, a girlfriend. I went to church because of my parents, not because I believed. I worked 70 hr weeks to make sure a community show went well, while the guy before me didn’t work as much. I sacrificed a lot to make other people happy.

But not anymore.

I’m done with giving my all for someone else without any benefit for me. Yes, I’ll be there for someone when they need me, but I don’t know how long I should keep that person around if they aren’t there for me when I need them. I must look beyond the words people say to me, not take them so seriously, not allow myself to beat myself up over words that were thrown at me as a joke or casually. Like the above quote, an actual quote. Last year, I would’ve found myself depressed because what it says could be true. This time around, I’ll stand up for myself, publically in case there are any other people who want to say this to me but haven’t yet.

There’s one ultimate truth to my life: I can’t and won’t do things that aren’t necessary until I decide they’re necessary.

There’s nothing wrong with not working when you have the means to back yourself up. Or, at least, there shouldn’t be. Humans have always had down time in their lives. It’s one of the advantages of living as a tribe or village. You always have someone around to babysit, help gather food, clean-up things around the campsite. As people work together more, that creates more time to relax and enjoy ourselves. We share stories, laugh, mate, eat together, without concern of things going wrong the next day.

After working hard for so long, the body and mind starts to break down. I was going downhill really fast last year and moving back home slowed down that descent- but I was still going down. In January, I could see the end quite clearly and had to stop it. It just happened that it wasn’t completely on my terms. I’ve never been replaced like I was up here. I’ve always been “the one,” the “go-to” guy. It was a sobering situation for me, brought me back down to earth, and nearly rock-bottom for me.

I’m working up from that point. Some may have heard this before, but here are some of the books I’ve read in the past month or so: “Introvert Advantage: Living in an Extroverted World,” “Do What You Love the Money Will Follow,” “Get Back in the Box: Innovation from the Inside Out,” and currently working through “How to Think like Leonardo da Vinci: Seven Steps to Genius Everyday.”

You may notice that there’s a common theme to all four books. They all have something to do with innerpower, focusing on our mind and spirit, work ethic, confidence. All of them have really helped me understand what’s happening in my body, what has had happened, where I should be going in life. I full accept that I’m an introvert now, not just shy. Which reminds me of the second part of that beginning quote.

Getting a job and putting myself around people will most likely remind me of my faults again. Being around people doesn’t mean I’ll be comfortable talking with them, or comfortable being around them. It’ll create more awkwardness for me. I have a hard time dealing with small talk (when was the last time you heard me writing or talking about my daily events, what I saw on tv, with excitement? My point exactly) so being in that position will give people the wrong impression of me and make me feel bad. No, I can’t get a job purely to socialize. Sure, there may be some social benefits to a job, but I don’t think it’ll really make me feel less lonely.

Making me feel less lonely is a puzzling thing for me. I love writing emails, but people who love writing me are an endangered species. I love talking online, but the meaningful conversations I have are even more rare than the people liking to write me emails. I like talking with people in person, one on one, or in small groups, but most people like talking in large groups, and I have the added problem of having a hard time meeting people in real life. So I take to the online world, and take the risk of meeting good people online that I will probably never get the opportunity to meet in real life. That parts sad, but I can’t focus on that too much.

And the getting a job part? I’ve grown to understand through my life, my parents, my relatives that living life to work is the wrong way to do things. If all I’m living life for is to get money, pay bills, support a family, then you might as well kill me now. I want to live a good life, a happy life, but money doesn’t have to be part of that equation. I want a wife who is my equal, my yin to my yang. I want a polar opposite that engages me. I want to spread my stories around a community, make others laugh. I want to feel connected to myself spiritually. I want a network of good friends.

Money isn’t the key to happiness. It’s who you are and the people around you. Get rid of the people who don’t make you happy, keep the ones that do.

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Balance

March 12, 2006

I’ve talked with a lot of people lately about how they like to push their pasts out of the way since it’s not healthy to dwell on the past. The past is the reason for why we are where we are, and who we are. The past exists for a reason. If it wasn’t important, we wouldn’t have memories of our lives, good and bad. It’s a survival tool, right? Animals do it all the time. “Oh, shit! I nearly lost my life to that bear stealing its food- better not do that again.” and so on.

I’ve talked with a lot of people lately about how they like to push their pasts out of the way, as well, since it’s not healthy to dwell on the past. The past is the reason for why we are where we are, and who we are. The past exists for a reason. If it wasn’t important, we wouldn’t have memories of our lives, good and bad. It’s a survival tool, right? Animals do it all the time. “Oh, shit! I nearly lost my life to that bear stealing its food- better not do that again.” and so on.

While it’s important to remain focused on the present and future, it’s also important to look through your past to see where you made mistakes so you can solve them for the future. Too many people easily ignore their pasts and get stuck into certain traps in their lifes, endlessly repeating themselves until it’s too late. And too many people live in their past, dressing like they did when they were 20 even though they’re 40, doing drugs often in search of that perfect high from the first hit, shutting out the current world to dream about the good years in the past, etc.

Life is all about balance. Balance of the past/future, balance between husband and wife, balance between groups of people, the life cycle, good/evil, and on and on. Everywhere you look you can see this happening. Even think about your body on the chair you’re sitting in- it’s your negatively charged electrons rubbing against the negatively charged electrons of the chair repelling eachother, but still allowing as much contact as possible.

Our lives are a search for that perfect balance so we live in harmony with the world, our partner, and ourselves.

Isn’t that what true happiness is?

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Wherefore art thou, God?

January 18, 2006

Someone asked me why I don’t believe in God. Here’s the shorter answer I gave them:

The reason why I don’t believe in God are numerous, but it boils down to this: in junior high, I was severely depressed (rather than extremely frustrated like I am now). I was going through confirmation classes at the church, and realized that my thoughts on religion were completely different. Besides that, I would pray at night in hopes of finding a cure for myself, but nothing ever worked out for me. I know you’re supposed to live for yourself and you can’t rely on other people, but I kept asking why would God allow people to suffer so much?

Another thing, I was into archaeology and anthropology back then (still interested now). I read and watched a lot about ancient civilizations and began to wonder, why is it so important to discover the true God(s)? Why didn’t people respect the other practices and think they were worshipping the same God? Why were only priests the ones who had access to religious texts? I started to think that religion was a way of keeping the order, keeping the power in a select few rather than the people at large. It was the practice of land ownership over people’s minds and money.

In high school, one of my teachers said something while we were studying western Civilizations: the reason religion was created was to come up with answers for the unanswerable. For instance, why the sky was blue, why the sun rises and falls, why women get pregnant and not men, etc. They didn’t have science back then, so religions were created to answer the questions. You look at all the religions that have existed and still do exist and I bet you find as many creation stories as religions. If there was a common God(s), shouldn’t there be some similarities between the creation myths?

The biggest problem for me is that most religions speak of the grandeur of death. Christianity has heaven with golden roads, eternal youth, etc; Islam has their 72 virgins; Hindus are reincarnated continuously, etc. A large belief in Christianity is that they are required to atone for the sins of man, that everyone is a sinner, and you live life so God will forgive you and let you into heaven. Whatever happened to living for today and enjoying your life as much as you can?

Humans need to become more respectful of each other, and no matter how much relgions say we should respect thy neighbour, or give to the poor, we don’t. It’s as simple as that. We all fail to live up to the ideal standards set out in these holy texts (not entirely sure how something becomes holy when it was written by men). It seems rather selfish for us to be working towards getting ourselves into heaven and not working on improving the lives around us.

I think it’s time that we forget about the after-life and focus on this-life. Build a stronger community, a better world, better lives for anyone and don’t worry about being judged by a higher power. Wouldn’t you rather die happy than to die thinking, “My life sucked- at least there’s always heaven!” ?

[Note: If there is a Hell, I’m going there. If I’m to be reincarnated after going through the many levels of Hell, I’m going to get rejected at the end of the process and become a slug. The only 72 virgins I may receive will be men who are straight- where do those 72 virgins come from, anyways?

And yes, I know, I’m a heathen.]

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The pain and flame within

January 16, 2006


“In revealing all of this to you, I have perhaps killed myself!”
“I have such a deep love for you, but do not touch me. I am not to be touched. You are the poet, you walk inside my dreams. I love the pain and the flame in you, but do not touch me.” – Anais Nin to Artuad

How fitting is it that I wrote those words down a day before my madness escaped my body? After the fire within me was released into the atmosphere of the internet, I had the realization that I may have killed myself, just like Artaud did during a performance. I may have revealed too much of myself, too quickly, and the only reaction I received was of a quiet shockness.

I wrote everything I did because my mind and body were starting to give up on me. The daily frustrations were grinding me to a halt and I couldn’t see beyond the inner pain. My eyes were seeing red; my tears were of blood. It’s difficult to see much more than pain when feeling like that. But it was a necessary exercise for me. Regardless of how people reacted or not, they were things I needed to say and a few days later, I feel better because of it.

I chose that second quote mainly for the last line. It gave me an insight into how people may view me, without actually saying it. I’m certainly no monster, and nowhere near the level of genius that Artaud was, but I think I give off the aura of a frustrated individual too much.

The passion and intensity of my opinions on things is probably too much for people when we’re all used to dealing with the daily grind of the world. People come online to escape the real world, not to be reminded of it. They come for the good times, and I’m not a good time. I’m not one of these people who can easily carry on a conversation about nothing, filled with laughter and silliness until the parties are exhausted. No, instead I bring an insatiable curiousity and seriousness about people’s lives, and the world surrounding me.

There is a line, however, and I have crossed it too many times. Curiousity can only be taken so far with someone until it feels like an attack on their privacy. At the same time, this subtle agressiveness is not allowing people into me as much as maybe they should. I have to understand that people may be interested in me, but they aren’t as comfortable questioning me as I am of them. I have become my own worst nightmare. I want people to enjoy me, but I push them away with my constant questioning.

In the real world, my troubles lie in how patient I am with people, and how willing I am to listen to them talk about themselves. I haven’t discovered that art about opening up and sharing who I am and my opinions. Those problems cross the bridge into the internet. I may be more comfortable talking, but the only way I know how to communicate is through questions. I’ve become accustomed to asking people questions in real life, because those people tend to love talking about themselves (and are difficult to shut up).

Talking is more natural for people than writing, though. The love of talking about themselves dies as the questions become bolder and more inquisitive. When a question or comment is seen on the screen, the instinctual reaction seems to be “how can I say this in as few words as possible?” Hence the rise of internet slang, the lols, brbs, gtg, and so on. People don’t want to spend the energy in typing responses to questions, but will respond eagerly if the conversation excites them.

The conclusion I’ve come to is I need to subdue the inner flame online and allow it to show in the real world. I need to adjust how and where I express myself online – meaning more writing about the topics I am interested in, less presenting those thoughts in conversations. The less questioning of people I do, the more beneficial for all. The implementation of this is going to be a difficult one for me, and who knows how long it will take, but ultimately I’ll be more happy and less frustrated.

And who knows: maybe I’ll start attracting people in person.

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Things I want to say but don’t

January 16, 2006

I’m frustrated with life and everything I do to try and change it, fails miserably. And I keep falling into the same traps even though I try hard not to.

I’ve had had several absolutely miserable days at his job, I find myself falling for a woman I’ll probably never meet and am getting depressed because she’s going to be leaving in several months. I get frustrated because none of my friends from outside of the city write him or respond to his emails, and the majority of his online friends don’t bother writing and sending me messages first, etc.

I’ve lived my life giving everyone I’ve met all that I could. My only serious relationship with a woman had me supporting her emotionally and helping her financially occasionally for three years. Once her life got turned around, she left me and now hardly talks to me because she’s too busy.

I’m naturally curious about the world and I continue to get frustrated with myself for asking so many questions, and at people for not being able to provide decent answers. I’m tired of asking about other’s lives when no one seems to care about my life. I’m tired of being put down for who I am (I’m an introvert so get ridiculed for being quiet or mispronouncing words, etc).

I feel completely lost with where I’m going in life and I can’t find anyone to help me get things sorted out because it’s up to me to figure what works for me and to make it right. And that makes no sense to me because we have relationships to help support eachother and have fun, not to just have a kid and that’s it, ya know? It’s like the more I look for
friends/relationships, the more frustrated I get because I find people I can’t have, but if I do nothing, no one bothers to get curious about me and leaves me alone so I’m forever by myself regardless of what happens.

I get frustrated with asking simple things like “How are you doing?” and getting one word answers without being asked how I’m doing.

My libido seems to be nonexistent now. Nothing seems to excite me sexually, and my excitement for life is hitting rock bottom.

I mean, I’ve been at work four days this week. My boss never bothered to really talk to me on Tuesday (it’s a small theatre and even smaller tech team), showed up over an hour late on Wednesday because of a meeting and he forgot about the rest of us at the theatre (meaning we sat and talked for over an hour because we didn’t know what he wanted us to be doing), showed up late on Thursday by 30-45 mins because he slept in, and then today he walked right past me without saying hello until a few mins later when I walked past him carrying heavy gear (which he never helped me clear up). Tonight, I sat from 4pm- nearly 10pm watching a dance rehearsal doing absolutely nothing. The only task I did was fill up someone’s water bottle. That’s it. Then I had to fix some things while my boss went home and lock up the building, then drive nearly an hour home.

When I got home, within 5 minutes of being home, my dad asks me if I managed to call the insurance company about my vehicle and I nearly lost it. I don’t work a desk job, so a phone isn’t handy for me. I’m supposed to be available at all times in case something happens. I barely even leave for bathroom breaks. After that, I just shut myself off from everyone else. I read, and now they’re all asleep, and I should be sleeping, but I’ve had it with life, have had it with my family and I need help but no one will ever help me. No one realizes that I can’t do this on my own anymore. I need friends to get me excited about life. I need people to talk with to help me sort things out with my career. I need people to respect me so I don’t continually get down on myself and stay depressed like this.

I really don’t like it when people ignore me.

I wish I could understand what it was about me that turns people off from associating with me. Do you realize how many people have turned from being real good friends to ignoring me completely? The numbers are staggering, and I don’t even know what it is I do that turns them off. I have never directly insulted someone, as far as I know. If I have, let me know.

I can’t correct who I am as a person unless someone points out my faults.

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Epiphany

January 16, 2006

Epiphany

26 years in the making, I’m finally getting it.

* I talk not nearly enough, and I write way too much for the current crop of people.* My ways of thinking about this world do not compute with others.

* My observations about life will never be fully appreciated.

* Holding in 26 years of frustrations, anger, tears, depression, confusion, and only showing the perversity while giving the impression of being mature and intelligent creates one fucked up human mind.

* When at the rock bottom of depression, nothing will ever please you. Instead, humans are more likely to just continue to hurt you and make you feel even worse about yourself.

* You have to do things for yourself. No one helps you masturbate at night, so why should you expect them to want to help make you happy?

* Any attempts to make a depressed person happy will fail. You have to be yourself with them, and not be overtly concerned. They’ll appreciate the attention, not the constant worryng which will most likely make them feel like they’re even more screwed up than they thought.

* Telling me to shut the fuck up (online) will ultimately encourage me to the reverse.I will go on at length about a topic and will most likely drive that person away from me. If you stay long enough to listen to me completely, well, then you’re special and someone I don’t deserve to have in my life.

* The more unavailable a woman is, the more my desire for her will be. If you’re single and inviting me over after 24 hours of talking, you’re probably more interested in physical
contact than in me.

* Conversely, the more available I make myself appear to be, the more likely a woman will avoid me. This availability will be seen as a sign of desperation, which it isn’t. When I discover something/someone that I enjoy or find interesting, I need to explore it completely.

* I’m way too modest about my skills, my opinions, who I am, etc. But me being cocky seems to be a turn-off for the most part.
* When I deal with people in person, outside of the family, I tend to make them happy with what I do. When I deal with people online, it’s hit or miss. Some people will enjoy being with me, others not. It’s no wonder I wish I could just skip the online part and meet people in the flesh.

* I live in my mind; others live in the world. I over-analyze, over think, am constantly struggling to understand things that just need to be felt emotionally or appreciated as simpler things. I withhold so many thoughts and opinions about situations because I know no one really cares about the details of life.

* I have a bad habit of making things out to be much worse than they really are.

* Writing out one’s most internal thoughts is a great way to make people avoid you.

* I seem to treat time as infinite and not finite. Most people I know want their sleep, have to find time to write emails/call/meet with people. Somehow, even when I was work 40+ hrs a week, attending classes, studying/researching on campus, I still managed to write emails promptly and deal with phonecalls in a timely manner.

* My priorities in life deal with other people and not myself. Whether this is a good thing or not is up for debate, but I would say the world we live in now would say it’s a bad thing. Most of the people are selfish at heart, so I should be too to fit into the crowd.

* I will never fit into any crowd. I stuck out in elementary school (wearing a jean jacket on day 1 in grade 4 in a new school, so not cool), junior high (too quiet, too fat), high school (too quiet, not athletic enough), University (from the Yukon, and too quiet), Syracuse
(from Canada, too quiet, couldn’t talk clearly, too unemotional), and now in Whitehorse again (too quiet, giving the impression of being a roller coaster of competent and incompetent when in reality it’s more of a roller coaster of caring and not caring). I’ve never found my clique, so I think I should just give up trying to find anything in common with a group of people.

* The person online and the person in the real world are as different as a sloth is to a raven. The sloth would see the raven and wouldn’t mind being like him, but finds associating with a raven annoying.
* I’m bipolar on many aspects of my life. I either love people, or hate them. I’m either
attracted to women, or I’m not. I either care about a certain issue, or don’t. I either want to be successful and have money, or be a starving artist who gives away all the money that I own.

* I write because I can. Length is a secondary matter to me. Subject matter is more important. Audience is no longer important.
* Being fake and trying to act like I enjoy something is the wrong thing to do.

* The more time I spend alone, the less at peace with who I am I get. Being alone gives me more time to analyze the person I’ve become and where I’m going in life. It’s not working out so well for me after being primarily along for well over a year and a half.

* I can never decide on what kind of a woman I’m attracted to. Do I want the stick-like Goth girl? Do I want the fit athlete with a lean body? Do I want the curvy woman with an ass to spank and breasts to suckle on as long as time remains? Or do I want your average woman who would be as tantalizing as any other?

* The longer I write, the more I think I shouldn’t even bother to find an end and just write. Maybe there’s more to come from the act of writing for me than the actual
subject matter.
You just read only 1000 words. Sure feels longer than that, doesn’t it?

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To Be Natural Or Not

January 11, 2006

The conversation last night made me start to really think more about who we are and how people behave. I wanted to delve more into this topic since I mentioned earlier about being natural, and why people are so concerned about fitting in, not being stereotyped, and the like, but I said it all in one sentence. That’s like dipping your finger into the icing without getting the whole cake- rather unfair to the people who are interested.

The portion of the conversation that triggered all these thoughts for me was talking about how we dress in public. Some people feel that because a woman is attractive physically, she should dress to show the best parts off – showing cleavage, tight pants, etc. When a woman who is attractive but fails to dress to reveal herself goes out into public, she’s put down for not meeting the norm. She gets ridiculed for being shy about her body and not allowing the guys to see what they want to see, like they get to do with most of the other women out there. It’s not that she’s uncomfortable with her body, but she doesn’t want to be perceived as a sex object completely. Ultimately, she wants to be respected for who she is as a person first, with her body being secondary.

Now, that’s the attitude that I feel we should all be taking. Physical attractiveness is ingrained into our minds biologically – when we were more primitive, it didn’t matter if someone was more artistic, because cave paintings didn’t feed the children. We were focused on the physical attributes – how strong the male was, how big he was, how wide the hips were on a woman, and her breasts, etc. But even though our mental capacity has been increasing, and our awareness of who we are in relation to everyone else is increasing, we still resort to primitive functions of the brain to live in the world.

We still put emphasis on how hot our prospective partner is. We still look for how a person can provide (money, career choice). We still think about whether that person can protect the family. What we may look for but not make a priority is how funny someone is, how opinionated, empathetic and caring, whether they like the outdoors or not, music tastes, etc.

What bothers me is how we all want eachother to conform to standards, whether public or individual or a little group. We work hard on our bodies so we get the six-pack abs to give us instant “hotness,” or we have to listen to a certain genre of music to remain cool, or we have to wear the most up to date fashionable clothing so we don’t risk looking like we came from the past. We all do this to some degree. How did you choose the computer you’re using? Did you choose that brand based on what they had to offer, or because of how everyone else felt about it through reviews? Look at your clothes. Did you pick them based on how they look on you, or how they feel while wearing them?

I feel like we lose a lot of our individual traits that make us unique in fear of how we will be judged by other people. Or we dress in certain ways so people judge us in a negative way. Does Goth culture wear black clothing because black clothing is more comfortable than blue jeans, or do they choose that style to offend the public? Our behaviour is changed, too. We act certain ways to attract certain types of people. We flirt with our bodies, we choose to run in parks at noon hours to let the most people view our bodies on display. We drive fast, play music loud, eat at certain restaurants, and so forth. Granted, some of these things may feel right to us, but how much of it is us feeling right, and how much is it of us convincing ourselves that it feels right? Isn’t this how gay and lesbians remain in the closet for so long? They spend so much time telling themselves that they are straight so they can live a normal life, when in truth they’re lying to themselves without really knowing it. We pile so much crap on top of our natural truths to live a different way than we really intended. School systems, media, parents/family, advertising are all designed in part to make us conform to something without letting ourselves explore and discover on our own. Why do we have to be told that 1+1=2 and not give us the tools to make that discovery on our own? (ie there’s a number system to describe quantity, and you can put those quantities together to create a new quantity).

Our lives, our world, is real good at being able to create more crap for us to pile onto ourselves, but fails miserably at allowing ourselves to discover. This is why I think the internet was so powerful on me. I can open it up and just click randomly until time stops. The material on it is so vast that no one will be able to read it all. It’s like a whole other world opened up to us that says, “It’s okay to come here and go if you wish, and feel free to take what you want.” The rules that exist are to protect the standards that were created for the “old” way of living (copyright, pirating software, etc), but are barely able to be put into action. Anyone can download music, movies, crack software, write as many swear words as they want on here, pronounce their faith in Hitler with a touch of Buddha and a slice of Christ. You can do whatever you want, let your mind go and explore. If you come across an obstacle of discomfort, you just click close on the browser and start over. If people harass you, you don’t need to log in or you just block them. The possibilities are endless with how you wish to explore, and they’re almost as endless if you wish to censor the invading forces on your life.

No one judges on how you look here because looks don’t matter. It’s the mind, baby. Let yourself out there and explore. Find the dirty, find the illegal, find the good, find the squishy-cuteness.

Just go.

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Fini

January 8, 2006

After several people having told me that I need to stop relying on people to help me and that only I can help myself, I’m going to finally listen to them.

  • No more searching on myspace and sending random messages to people.
  • No more messaging people that I rarely talk with.
  • No more whining about my life.
  • No more offers to meet people, call them, write them snail mail or buy them things.
  • No more confessing of feelings for people without them saying something first.
  • No more spending large amounts of time waiting for someone to show up.
  • No more one-offs for sex, blowjobs, cuddling, massages or intimacy.
  • Will do more self-reflecting through writing and thinking.
  • Will do more reading to stimulate my mind and make me reach conclusions.
  • Will do more exercise for myself first.
  • Will eat better for myself and not eat everything presented in front of me.
  • Will focus more on my future, my career, my situation.
  • Will do the things I enjoy.
  • Will find more things that I enjoy.
  • Will discover what it means to be me and find out who the hell I am.

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