There is no steady beat in my mind. No consistency of a nice dance beat that keeps me moving smoothly. It is more like a chaotic monster which possesses both the spikes of uncertainty and the glazed eyes of a monk in a Zen-like state.
Every day goes by with the thought of releasing myself and becoming free of who I’ve become and who people think I am. I’m reminded constantly of being able to achieve more or that I have achieved a lot already, but at the end of the night, I’m left wondering what have I done to deserve such statements. I am at a loss to put myself onto paper, to describe who I am to others. When someone asks me what do I want in life, I might as well reply with a giant hamster wheel.
There is emptiness and annoyance of those feelings of emptiness. I long for some kind of meaning in my life. A look at a person and a realization that yes, I could be living my life for them and with them. But none of that exists right now. I see someone now that is even minutely attractive and all I feel is disdain for their existence. There is nothing wrong with them; except that they exist in front of me.
Daydreaming is an act of the past for me. The beautiful woman standing in front of me is just a sea shell, shiny and stunning, but no substance to it. Fragile and easily broken in my hands, I get no satisfaction with interacting with these sea shells. I fail to realize the importance of their personality, or rather find it impossible to see them as being important. Any glimpse of them showing promise as a complete individual makes me gag. I no longer want to believe that person is actually a person. Having a meaningful conversation with someone is something I both long for and detest. I look straight back into their eyes and feel as though I’m speaking with a mask of a person that does not really exist in the present. A lack of passion is so clear to me that I question why I even bother to talk with them right now.
This bothers me greatly because for all the pretending and masquerading I see around me, I, myself, feel as though I’m hiding something from people. I do have a habit of not speaking my mind enough, but I also feel like it reaches down deeper inside of me. There is more to my life than just the simple words and actions I use daily when interacting with people. The core of my mind and body is as important or more so than these external activities. And what stands out the most from that inner core is desire. The desire to do things is so strong, it’s frightening.
Desire is a double-edged sword for me, thankfully sheathed, ready to lash out at anything that comes across me. The desire to smack that curvy ass standing in front of me. The desire to seek out the scum of the town and get rid of them forcefully. The desire to become a part of the scum of the town and succeed in the dark alleyways while showing success in a more legitimate way in the day time. The desire to leave town and disappear without saying a word to anyone. The desire to create music, to write, to be a businessman, to be an artist. The desire to be something more.
But what more is there to be?
No matter what happens from this moment forward, I remain the same. I am a man, a human, an animal, a resident of Earth. All of these things will not change as the seeds are planted and sowed in my becoming a successful businessmen or artist or a miser. Any spiritual enlightment or financial gain or a family may make me feel better, but it doesn’t make me better. I remain rock bottom with everyone else and I’d be a fool to say otherwise. I cannot play God and judge myself to be better than anyone else in this world in any way you look at it. All I can say is that I exist with you or without you or you exist with or without me.
It is the one thing that holds me back in this world. It is not my lack of a voice in daily life, or my physical appearance, or my financial struggles. It is quite simply: why bother? My body falls apart, my mental stability is questionable in the eyes of some, but I still exist. Is it really that bad if I’m still alive? Surely, being dead would be a worse state than what I am living with right now. And I am whole.
I may show signs of a crack here and there, but I am still whole.