February 11, 2007

A life without conflict is a life not worth living, I’ve always thought, but there comes a time when the conflict grows to be too much. Finding a balance in life is a great difficulty to overcome when the ground underneath you is swaying like the sea. A day never goes by without a new wave crashing into my body or mind, causing me to fall backwards that much more. I feel like I’m gaining momentum and making a headway, but my eyes open up and I awake in the same spot that I started last week in.

As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m not dead, but I feel as though I am devoid of life. I’m an empty shell that has seen myself ripped out as if I’m undergoing preparations for a mummification of my body a la Egypt. There are no feelings of care left in my body. No signs of love, of hate, or happiness. Even now, as painful as it seems to put these words down and fight with this realization, I cannot cry. I feel the water in my eyes, yet no tears touch my cheeks. I wonder why this is.

People hate my lack of feelings; I hate not feeling.

I used to enjoy reading my books and magazines, exploring the web and learning new things. Those past-times have fallen away as well. Reading is supposed to be a relaxing activity for people; not me. When I take the time to read, it is the only time where I am alone, and when I’m alone, my mind does rest, does not focus.

My fingers tap at the keyboard putting these thoughts down. It’s a clumsy dance for them that goes unseen, hitting the wrong key, spelling words in a way I’d never spelled them before. Misspelling a word like focus into “fucos” tells me how far I’ve unraveled.

People are always wanting me to pick up the pieces of their lives, their struggles at work, and their stresses. When I turn my head backwards to see who is picking me up, there is no one. The closest thing I get for support is people asking how I am doing and what I need. When I provide the answer for them, they don’t listen. I didn’t realize that people have de- evolved and forgot what it meant to really listen to someone. I say something in hopes of it happening, not to be ignored.

The two things I crave most in my life are both things that aren’t good for my body, but they are good for my mind. They are the only things that help me truly relax, forget what’s going on in my life, and learn to love life once more. I wish school had prepared me for what I’m going through right now. Forget about Canadian history, French, music, how about some lessons on how to deal with a town where the truth goes to die or how to deal with pressures from work, family, significant others, and socially?

I did learn how to swim as a kid, and right now, I’m learning how to drown without dying.


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