A Lovely Night of Misery

August 28, 2006

Almost a week ago, an event occurred that has changed my life possibly forever. I had no intention of this happening when I agreed to meet this mystery woman. And certainly not in the way things changed either.

A casual message of curiousity (me being interested in her) led to a cautious delay on her part. She took the time to explore my writings online, read them all. Only then did she feel secure in messaging me in return. One line stands out from the rest, “You have made my weekend.”

How could I pass that up? I messaged her a response and gave her a better way of connecting with me. The next day, we did connect, via instant messaging. Casual flirting led to more fun flirting and arrangements were made to hook up later that night.

Coffees in hand, I approached her doorway at night and entered into her modest place. My eyes are a very busy part of my body. My lips may not say much, but my eyes certainly take in a lot about my surroundings. Many things caught my eye (besides her, naturally). How pleasant the rooms were, all the stuff hanging on the walls, the photographs. The music entered my mind through my ears and found it pleasant. I knew the night was going to be good.

Conversation was struck and the sparks fell onto the kindling of coffee and soon burned brightly. So many mysteries about this woman and I had just met her.

The music was starting to become a distraction, so I left to return with something (in my opinion) better. A new CD was put on and so lost was I in her eyes and conversation, that I forgot that the music playing wasn’t the music I had intended (damn those unlabeled CDs). Coming to my senses, I had the music changed.

The rhythm of the night shifted. It was no longer casual chit-chat. The passionate sides of us was starting to come out, more of the emotional memories. So much pain was shared that I was nearly brought to tears. The more I heard, the more I wanted to know. The more I shared, the more I wanted to tell.

But it was not to be.

A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Two people are not meant to connect so quickly from within. The exchanging of personal secrets and honesty leads to a swamp of confusion. There is no clarity, no “aha!” moments of realization that you like this person. More a constant questioning of who they really are- made even worse when you compare the real personality to their online personality.

I asked myself afterwards whether I was being true to myself while being with her, or whether I did become a stranger that has lived within me all this time.

I touched her; she turned to dust.

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