I Alone

June 7, 2006

I’m reaching the point in my life where everytime I try to get closer to people, any kinds of people, I end up just being more alone than when I started. It’s weird. The moment I try to connect with people in the real world, the people I already knew start pulling away for one reason or another. Then the people I only just met in real life end up pulling away from me, as well. Even stranger for me is how all the people that have or are pulling away from me keep telling me, “You just haven’t met the right people yet. It’s not your fault.”

At what point does it become my fault?

Who knew that responding to emails within a day or two is such a turn-off for people, or even just writing emails is a bad thing. I’m always searching out for people I can have regular contact with by email because I enjoy the art of letter-writing that much, and I feel like you can get a better idea of a person from reading paragraphs and not quick IMs. But, even in the age of instant messaging and media-on-demand on cellphones, etc. not many can take the time to even write a few sentences to give me an answer about an important question. Instead, it takes a month of weekly/biweekly emails as reminders to get the answer out of them. By that point, I already know they’ve read my emails, plus have been writing in other areas (ie leaving comments on people’s Myspace profiles) but can’t find the energy to tell me, “It’s on the way!” What I do get in return, in addition to the answer I was looking for the past month, is “Don’t take things so personal.”

I swear, the longer I live life, the more I feel like I don’t belong in this world.

I think of my grandma who lived overseas with her husband for eight years before they saw their parents again, writing letters back and forth. They have the patience to sit down and handwrite lengthy letters (they were all saved on both ends) and in our era of being able to send messages in two minutes, we can’t manage it. If we don’t receive something by a phonecall or text message, it’s obviously not that important. Of course, this only goes for personal lives, because I’m sure things operate differently in the business world.

I don’t know how our world evolved into a place of letting manners fall to the side and think inconsideration is allowable in online communication, but I’m glad I’m not part of the problem ,. I’m only sad that I have to continue living in a place like this.

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