Life as I know it

March 15, 2006

“Get a job. You won’t be as lonely.”

I love how unsupportive people are sometimes, and so misinformed or assume the wrong thing.

Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t been working for nearly six weeks now after being turfed out from my old position. Instead, I’ve put a real emphasis on me for the first time in my life. I’ve dabbled with exploring who I was in the past (picking up books that may be helpful, reading websites, talking with people) but never before have I really made it a priority. Something was always first. Work, University, a girlfriend. I went to church because of my parents, not because I believed. I worked 70 hr weeks to make sure a community show went well, while the guy before me didn’t work as much. I sacrificed a lot to make other people happy.

But not anymore.

I’m done with giving my all for someone else without any benefit for me. Yes, I’ll be there for someone when they need me, but I don’t know how long I should keep that person around if they aren’t there for me when I need them. I must look beyond the words people say to me, not take them so seriously, not allow myself to beat myself up over words that were thrown at me as a joke or casually. Like the above quote, an actual quote. Last year, I would’ve found myself depressed because what it says could be true. This time around, I’ll stand up for myself, publically in case there are any other people who want to say this to me but haven’t yet.

There’s one ultimate truth to my life: I can’t and won’t do things that aren’t necessary until I decide they’re necessary.

There’s nothing wrong with not working when you have the means to back yourself up. Or, at least, there shouldn’t be. Humans have always had down time in their lives. It’s one of the advantages of living as a tribe or village. You always have someone around to babysit, help gather food, clean-up things around the campsite. As people work together more, that creates more time to relax and enjoy ourselves. We share stories, laugh, mate, eat together, without concern of things going wrong the next day.

After working hard for so long, the body and mind starts to break down. I was going downhill really fast last year and moving back home slowed down that descent- but I was still going down. In January, I could see the end quite clearly and had to stop it. It just happened that it wasn’t completely on my terms. I’ve never been replaced like I was up here. I’ve always been “the one,” the “go-to” guy. It was a sobering situation for me, brought me back down to earth, and nearly rock-bottom for me.

I’m working up from that point. Some may have heard this before, but here are some of the books I’ve read in the past month or so: “Introvert Advantage: Living in an Extroverted World,” “Do What You Love the Money Will Follow,” “Get Back in the Box: Innovation from the Inside Out,” and currently working through “How to Think like Leonardo da Vinci: Seven Steps to Genius Everyday.”

You may notice that there’s a common theme to all four books. They all have something to do with innerpower, focusing on our mind and spirit, work ethic, confidence. All of them have really helped me understand what’s happening in my body, what has had happened, where I should be going in life. I full accept that I’m an introvert now, not just shy. Which reminds me of the second part of that beginning quote.

Getting a job and putting myself around people will most likely remind me of my faults again. Being around people doesn’t mean I’ll be comfortable talking with them, or comfortable being around them. It’ll create more awkwardness for me. I have a hard time dealing with small talk (when was the last time you heard me writing or talking about my daily events, what I saw on tv, with excitement? My point exactly) so being in that position will give people the wrong impression of me and make me feel bad. No, I can’t get a job purely to socialize. Sure, there may be some social benefits to a job, but I don’t think it’ll really make me feel less lonely.

Making me feel less lonely is a puzzling thing for me. I love writing emails, but people who love writing me are an endangered species. I love talking online, but the meaningful conversations I have are even more rare than the people liking to write me emails. I like talking with people in person, one on one, or in small groups, but most people like talking in large groups, and I have the added problem of having a hard time meeting people in real life. So I take to the online world, and take the risk of meeting good people online that I will probably never get the opportunity to meet in real life. That parts sad, but I can’t focus on that too much.

And the getting a job part? I’ve grown to understand through my life, my parents, my relatives that living life to work is the wrong way to do things. If all I’m living life for is to get money, pay bills, support a family, then you might as well kill me now. I want to live a good life, a happy life, but money doesn’t have to be part of that equation. I want a wife who is my equal, my yin to my yang. I want a polar opposite that engages me. I want to spread my stories around a community, make others laugh. I want to feel connected to myself spiritually. I want a network of good friends.

Money isn’t the key to happiness. It’s who you are and the people around you. Get rid of the people who don’t make you happy, keep the ones that do.

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One Response to “Life as I know it”


  1. intersting view on life — I read your entire post with interest….. Money is no key but it does help! Rod Smith

    rodesmith.wordpress.com


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