The thinking way is my way of living. I’m constantly thinking about items, perhaps over-analyzing them too much. When I read an article or watch something on television, most of the time it will stick with me and make me ponder things that I never really thought of that much. Last night, two events occurred to make me really think about myself and who I am.
The first thing to happen to me was a program on CBC television called China Rises. If you couldn’t tell from the title, it’s about China’s rise to power in the late 20th century to become a “threat” to the traditional powers of Europe and the United States. Anyone who pays attention to the media will know that China and India are quickly becoming powerful economic forces in the world. The documentary is in four parts and explores how exactly China grew to such a powerful entity. It’s meant to get a behind the scenes look at what is going on there, talking with the executives of the companies, the migrant workers, lawyers, the up-and-comers, etc.
Most people think of China purely as the largest country in the world in terms of population and how it’s rife with problems relating to human rights. I wanted to see what is really happening, how the people of China truly feel about their country, and if it is doing any good for the people. I have to admit, this program was strangely addicting to me to the point where I may just have to order the DVD afterwards. I’m not sure if it’s my connection to China through my mother (who lived in Hong Kong) or her parents (who worked at the YMCA in various cities in China), but watching and reading about China has a certain kind of power over me. I feel deeply moved by how people still live so simply in the countryside (700 million out of 1+ billion people live rurally) and strangely empowered with how some of these migrants enter the city and succeed. They work hard for themselves and their family, and some for their country.
I always thought that the wages were poor there, but they don’t appear to be as poor as we think. They interviewed some workers and even though they may live in dorms with ten other workers in their rooms, they still manage to send half of their earnings home and save more money at the end of the month. This absolutely floored me. Chinese workers seem to be stereotyped as working long hours and earning little. Maybe that is the case in other parts of the country, but I’m glad there are positive stories from all the negativity surrounding China’s work ethics. I think people need to realize that minimum wages are relative to the local economics of the city and country. But this is still no excuse for Canadian or US minimum wage laws when these countries are making money up and down the system.
Without getting too far off track, watching the show started to plant little seeds within me that are starting to sprout more ideas. Watching all these people working hard for their money, listening to the executives talk about making changes for China and standing up for their country was inspiring. It’s made me start questioning my direction in the world. I am an ideas man, and there’s no doubt about it. I see the big picture of problems and work to solve them. While working, I am constantly thinking of how to improve things, how the system could be different, better managed, etc. Because of this China Rises program, I’m wondering if my future is in business. Would my knowledge and skillset be better applied in that situation instead of theatre and academics? Do I merely want to explore ideas, or do I want to make my ideas work? That’s the biggest question I need to answer now.
The other seed that was planted came about through a discussion with a friend. Our discussion meandered over to the topic of roots within someone, how we figure things out eventually and the yo-yoing between ideas is not healthy for a person. Meaning, someone can’t continually bounce between being gay and straight without some serious consequences to a person’s mentality. They can’t live a dual-life with their morals. At some point, some of the basic morals have to be grounded within you so you have a starting point of where to go in life. Things may shift and change in the future, but some things never change.
Through the discussion, I did a lot of reflecting of these ideas onto myself to better understand how I felt about myself and the higher ideals of life. I never admitted to it last night, but I’m wondering if I am this nightmare of a person we passed over. Am I searching too much and playing with the idea of “Who am I?” to the point where nothing is being solved? I can only take this exploration so much and I need to come up with some basic answers for myrself. I need to understand who I am and be 100% honest with myself, because to do otherwise is slowly driving me to a point of madness. I’m not happy with my life because it’s too undecided right now. I can’t find the happiness within because it’s full of mud. Once I clear up that mud, then I’ll find some light and positive motivation to move forward in life.
The past year has been a good one in the sense that I’ve done a wide, varied amount of reading. I’ve come across ideas I’ve never heard of, challenged myself to think in ways which are opposite to how I felt before, had good conversations that have shown me qualities within others and myself, and have explored my mind through writing. But, I’ve come to the point where I need to make decisions. I can’t flip-flop with the direction of my career or relationships or myself. I’ve been destroyed physically and mentally too long and too many times. I have the tools to build myself up, I just have to do it now. No more wondering where to go; more saying where I’m going to go.
The seeds of change have been planted. Now is the time to water them and let them grow, take me into a new world where I can become my own tree in the vast forest of the world. I can clear up my mind; I can think more positively; I can be a good person. vidi veni.I came, I saw. Now it is the time to conquer (vici).