Things I want to say but don’t

January 16, 2006

I’m frustrated with life and everything I do to try and change it, fails miserably. And I keep falling into the same traps even though I try hard not to.

I’ve had had several absolutely miserable days at his job, I find myself falling for a woman I’ll probably never meet and am getting depressed because she’s going to be leaving in several months. I get frustrated because none of my friends from outside of the city write him or respond to his emails, and the majority of his online friends don’t bother writing and sending me messages first, etc.

I’ve lived my life giving everyone I’ve met all that I could. My only serious relationship with a woman had me supporting her emotionally and helping her financially occasionally for three years. Once her life got turned around, she left me and now hardly talks to me because she’s too busy.

I’m naturally curious about the world and I continue to get frustrated with myself for asking so many questions, and at people for not being able to provide decent answers. I’m tired of asking about other’s lives when no one seems to care about my life. I’m tired of being put down for who I am (I’m an introvert so get ridiculed for being quiet or mispronouncing words, etc).

I feel completely lost with where I’m going in life and I can’t find anyone to help me get things sorted out because it’s up to me to figure what works for me and to make it right. And that makes no sense to me because we have relationships to help support eachother and have fun, not to just have a kid and that’s it, ya know? It’s like the more I look for
friends/relationships, the more frustrated I get because I find people I can’t have, but if I do nothing, no one bothers to get curious about me and leaves me alone so I’m forever by myself regardless of what happens.

I get frustrated with asking simple things like “How are you doing?” and getting one word answers without being asked how I’m doing.

My libido seems to be nonexistent now. Nothing seems to excite me sexually, and my excitement for life is hitting rock bottom.

I mean, I’ve been at work four days this week. My boss never bothered to really talk to me on Tuesday (it’s a small theatre and even smaller tech team), showed up over an hour late on Wednesday because of a meeting and he forgot about the rest of us at the theatre (meaning we sat and talked for over an hour because we didn’t know what he wanted us to be doing), showed up late on Thursday by 30-45 mins because he slept in, and then today he walked right past me without saying hello until a few mins later when I walked past him carrying heavy gear (which he never helped me clear up). Tonight, I sat from 4pm- nearly 10pm watching a dance rehearsal doing absolutely nothing. The only task I did was fill up someone’s water bottle. That’s it. Then I had to fix some things while my boss went home and lock up the building, then drive nearly an hour home.

When I got home, within 5 minutes of being home, my dad asks me if I managed to call the insurance company about my vehicle and I nearly lost it. I don’t work a desk job, so a phone isn’t handy for me. I’m supposed to be available at all times in case something happens. I barely even leave for bathroom breaks. After that, I just shut myself off from everyone else. I read, and now they’re all asleep, and I should be sleeping, but I’ve had it with life, have had it with my family and I need help but no one will ever help me. No one realizes that I can’t do this on my own anymore. I need friends to get me excited about life. I need people to talk with to help me sort things out with my career. I need people to respect me so I don’t continually get down on myself and stay depressed like this.

I really don’t like it when people ignore me.

I wish I could understand what it was about me that turns people off from associating with me. Do you realize how many people have turned from being real good friends to ignoring me completely? The numbers are staggering, and I don’t even know what it is I do that turns them off. I have never directly insulted someone, as far as I know. If I have, let me know.

I can’t correct who I am as a person unless someone points out my faults.

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