Going All Out

January 11, 2006

[shorter than usual because I’m at work – may add more later]

I’ve come to the conclusion that I tend to go all out for everything that I shouldn’t be giving my all for. This was a pretty easy conclusion to come to after yesterday when I made the decision to walk nearly an hour and a half in -15 C (5 F), with a large portion of that being uphill (or mountains for you flat-land folk). This was all because of a missed opportunity to take the bus to work, so instead of taking a taxi and paying the $10 to save me some energy, I walked. It didn’t matter that my legs were a bit frozen 3/4 of the way through, or that I could’ve taken another bus and been 10 minutes late. Nope. I just started walking and arrived one minute earlier, worn out and cold in the legs.

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but it’s never a bad thing to get exercise. What I should probably have not done was stay up til 2:30am the night before and only get 4.5-5 hrs of sleep. But that was a hard decision to make, too. How do you cut yourself off from talking to someone that you really enjoy talking to and you can tell anything to without worrying about the consequence? It’s not that one of us was stressed out about life, or had a lot of things on our mind. We just talked, and enjoyed doing it. We did it again last night after neither of us could fall asleep. So all of this is being written after another sleepless night for me. I had even more trouble falling asleep after talking with this person, because she gave me things to think about and possibly write about (ie why is it that we are so determined to change who we are naturally to make sure we’re perceived the right way? Why do we care so much about how others judge us that we’re willing to go through such pains to please them?)

What is it about my brain that decides the physical sacrifice of walking forever, or the mental and physical sacrifice of staying up late in order to talk to someone special that easy of a decision for me, but picking up the phone to make a business call the last thing I ever want to do? Most of the population would probably say they need to go to bed and get their 8 hours of sleep, but I routinely shrug off the amount of sleep I get to be with the ones that matter to me. And even with the lack of sleep, I don’t regret staying up late with people, and I don’t regret walking that much. I don’t regret giving up a vehicle to carpool in with my parents or to live without a vehicle in a city. These decisions happen like there was no other option, that I had to do what I did – but there were more reasonable options that I decided to ignore.

Why is my mind so rational when it comes to thinking about other things in life, but not these things?

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